Crazy Cullens
by humfairy
Summary: Emmett and Rosalie's sex tape was somehow released to everyone at Forks High School. Which Cullen could be behind it? Started out as a harmless prank, now leading to therapy, arrests, and MORE.
1. An Idea

Note: This is pre-Breaking Dawn; Bella is human; Edward has not proposed yet.

**APOV**

"Good God, I am so bored. There is absolutely nothing to do in this house," my husband Jasper said, slamming his face into a pillow. I had to agree with him. After existing for almost a century, nothing was new to me.

I was about to propose a hunt when a vision struck me. A grin broke out on my face.

"Jazz, get Edward and Bella. This is gonna be good."

He looked over at me curiously but went upstairs to find Bella and Edward. A few seconds later, they emerged from the stairs.

"Are you sure, Alice? Rosalie would kill us if she found it." Edward said tentatively, wrapping his arm around Bella's waist.

"Don't worry Edward," I said, "I've checked the future and they won't be home for another hour."

"Whatever you say, Alice," he still looked a bit hesitant.

Bella and Jasper, both who had no idea what was going on, just stared at each other.

"May I ask, what it is that you two are both proposing we do?" Jasper asked in his Southern gentlemanly voice.

"Well, do you remember that time when Emmett let it slip that he had an Instagram account, and we tried for days to find it online, but couldn't?" I asked. Bella and Jasper both nodded their heads. "Well, if we sneak up to their room and go onto their computer, we could search for his Instagram account and then see what pictures he has posted. Then, if we deem them _inappropriate,"_ I emphasized this, "We could show them to Esme."

Edward laughed. A few months ago, after finding some very- how should I put this- _risqué_- pictures of Rosalie on Emmett's Facebook page, she had banned him from all photo-sharing websites.

However, being Emmett, he let it slip to the entire family that he had an Instagram account. We all tried furiously to find it, but he had hidden it very well. I couldn't wait to go onto his computer and find his Instagram account, show Esme the pictures on it (which I could only guess would be disgusting), and get him back for the time when he and Rosalie had sex in me and Jasper's bed.

"Alright, well, let's go," Bella said, and we all started to creep towards the stairs.


	2. Hacked

**EPOV**

We had no trouble getting into Emmett's computer; the password was _Edwardhasababydick_. I sighed at my brother's lack of maturity.

"Oh, my God guys look- he has a folder called _Me and Rose's Adventures_. Should we open it?" Alice asked.

"No! Alice! That folder probably contains R-rated material!" Bella squealed.

Alice looked at her as if she were stupid. "Well, _duh_, Bella. That's what we need! If there's something inappropriate in here, then we can show it to Esme and she'll give him some crazy punishment!"

Jasper lightly took her hand.

"Alice, Esme only said Emmett was banned from photo-sharing websites. Plus, wouldn't she be angry with us if she knew we were snooping around on Emmett's computer?"

Bella and I nodded our heads in agreement. Alice sighed and opened an internet browser. She clicked the button that said _History_ at the top and then searched for Instagram. She did this so fast that it seemed as if she had done this before. When I asked her about it, she looked down.

"Um, well, I check Jazz's computer every week to see where he's been. His most visited website is "How To Make Your Woman Squeal." And I thought he was just creative."

Bella looked horrified and Jasper looked embarrassed.

"Moving on," he said.

"Look- it's an Instagram account. Is it his? The name is-" Bella stopped mid-sentence. At first I thought something was wrong- until I looked at the account name. _SpreadYourLegsLadies_. Great, not only was my brother a sexual deviant, but he was now a man whore. Perfect.

"Look at the pictures!" Alice cried.

I shouldn't have.

I would never be able to unsee what I saw on Emmett's Instagram. Hundreds of photos of Rosalie in slutty costumes in suggestive poses. Countless photos of male genitals that I wished I could erase from my mind.

Jasper fell to the ground and Bella ran out of the room. Only Alice and I remained.

"38 THOUSAND FOLLOWERS, EDWARD!" Alice said to me.

I shook head. And I thought Emmett was the only perverted person in the world. Who could possibly be so interested in pictures of a half-naked vampire and pictures of Emmett's dick?

"Oh boy, Edward, this is going to be perfect!" Alice exclaimed. "Can you remember the account name?"

"I'm afraid I can," I said feebly as Alice closed the Internet browser. She was about to log off when her eyes caught something on the screen. I didn't have to see the screen to know what the file was called, I could already see the title in her mind.

"Alice, no."

"This will be great."

"No."

She ignored me and pulled out a flash drive. She pasted a copy of the file into her flash drive and then unplugged it carefully.

"Come on, Edward, let's go."

I closed my eyes and stood up, shaking my head. If anyone stole Alice's flash drive, they would see the typical files of a student: essays, speeches, etc. However, one file in particular would stick out to the person. A video file, with the name of _Sex Tape._

__**Please review and tell me what you want to happen next!**


	3. Bitches

**RPOV**

I couldn't help but notice snickers as Emmett and I walked down the hallway. This was getting ridiculous. If girls were jealous, they needed to keep it to themselves. I shot a glare at a trio of girls, who in return giggled. I was already pissed, Alice somehow found Emmett and I's Instagram account, and told Esme. She fucking told her! That little bitch. Esme made us shut down they account and threatened to take away Emmett's laptop. I couldn't believe it. We were so close to 40,000 followers.

I walked into math class with Emmett and sat down at our usual spot: the back corner by the door. A cluster of kids were gathered around Jessica Stanley's desk, looking at something on her laptop. Occasionally one of them would gasp or yell in shock. I rolled my eyes. Humans.

Suddenly, Alice walked into the classroom. She looked at me with urgent eyes. I was confused. If she wanted me to come bail her and Jasper out of the principal's office again, I was not doing it. It wasn't my fault they always got caught having sex.

But apparently that wasn't it because she whispered, "What are you gonna do?" I looked at her strangely.

"You haven't heard? It's all over the school."

"What are you talking about Alice?" I asked.

She pointed to the group of kids, who were now heading back to their desks, laughing and staring at Emmett and I. "You and Emmett's sex tape got out and everyone has seen it!"

I gasped.

"WHAT!?" I grabbed Emmett by the arm and marched out of the classroom with Alice. We rounded a corner and found a secluded area.

"How in Devil's name did our sex tape get released to all of Forks High School!?" I shrieked in her face.

Alice looked as close to tears as a vampire could be.

"I'm so sorry, Rose," she pleaded. "So sorry…"

Suddenly, Jasper was at her side. He must have detected her emotions.

"What's wrong, Alice?" He asked, looking at me menacingly.

Alice sputtered for a moment before taking a breath and told me quite possibly the worst thing I have ever heard in my entire life.

"Edward, Jasper, Bella, and I were looking around your computer to find Emmett's Instagram account-"

"So that's how you found it, you little demon," Emmett said from behind me. Jasper growled.

"And we found the video on your desktop," she continued. "I saw the video and thought it would be funny to show to Esme, to you know, get back at you guys for getting together in our bed." I tensed at every word she uttered. This little brat had not only snooped on my laptop, but she had stolen personal property with the intentions of being mama's girl! I couldn't hold it in any longer.

"So you decided it would be funny to spread around the entire school?"

She gasped.

"No, no, I would never do that. Someone stole my flash drive and…. now your video's everywhere!" She collapsed into Jasper's arms and shook with sobs. "I'm really, really, sorry Rose," she said. "If I could go back…"

Emmett looked down at me.

"Well, Rose, what do you say we do?" I could not believe he was staying so calm about this. A video of him having sex had just been released to a school of 1,000 hormonal teenagers, and he didn't seem to care in the slightest!

"What do you propose we do? Kill everybody for God's sake! Lock up Alice and her little accomplices and make them pay for this humiliation!" I shrieked.

"Damage is already done, Rose," he said looking at me solemnly.

"And I am humiliated! How can you possibly be calm at a time like this!"

"Emmett is right, Rose," Edward said, suddenly appearing behind me with Bella. "Your video has already been seen by almost everyone in the school, and there's no way they'll forget it.

"It's her fault! All her fault!" I screamed, pointing at Alice. "If that stupid little pixie had kept her grubby hands off of my computer none of this would have happened!"

"It's not her fault, Rosalie," Edward said. "She didn't spread the video. Someone took her flash drive."

"Who could possibly come into our house, steal a flash drive overnight, and somehow manage to distribute a video to 1,000 people in one morning?" I yelled. It was obvious. Alice was guilty.

"I can read her mind, Rosalie. She's completely innocent." Edward said calmly.

"Yea, Rose, I mean chill out, most people probably thought the video was really sexy," Emmett said. I turned on him.

"You think this is a joke don't you!? Well, fine then- no sex for two weeks!"

Emmett looked at me with a shocked expression.

"THAT'S NOT FAIR!"

"It is fair, Emmett! This is all a joke to you! Maybe when you're really horny you'll go watch our sex tape! After all, you said it yourself: "_really sexy_," I imitated his low voice.

"OHMIGOD Emmett! A video was released of me having sex! It didn't even show my boobs! Oh no! BOO HOO, Rosalie," Emmett shot back at me. "You were perfectly fine with our 3 8 THOUSAND Instagram followers seeing everything! What's the difference?"

"The difference, Emmett Cullen, is the fact that these are people we know! People who already think we're crazy; people we share class with!"  
Jasper was holding his head, trying to deal with all the emotions. Alice started to defend him.

"Seriously, Rose, calm down! You're freaking Jazz out!"

"Oh yea, your precious Jazzy Wazzy has a headache. Oh no! What shall we do! Let's go call the ambulance! Get out your phone, Edward, Alice needs to call the Idiot Ambulance! Let's go- hurry up before precious Jazzy Waz-"

I stopped mid sentence as I was suddenly slapped across the face. I looked down to see Alice with a crazed expression on her face.

"You crazy ass bitch!" I screamed running at her. Having foreseen this just seconds ago, Alice took off down the hallway. I chased after her- vampire speed

Alice had a head start, but her stupid short pixie legs were no match for my long, supermodel legs. I quickly caught up to her, and grabbed her short, spiky hair. Disgusting.

I took her hair in my hand and lifted her up with it, spinning her around the hallway. She hit many lockers as I spun her around in a circle above my head. Finally, I let go. The momentum caused her to fly right into the boy's bathroom.

** APOV**

What the hell! I only had a few seconds warning before Rosalie tore off after me in hot pursuit. She grabbed me as we rounded the corner, and picked me up by my hair- my hair! She pulled me up above her head and swung me around, my feet hitting lockers as I spun. Shit. My Jeffrey Campbell shoes were toast.

Then, just as I thought I would die from dizziness, she threw me into the boy's bathroom. I flew over the urinals and landed right in a stall. Head first.

Yup, I was practically doing a head-stand on the toilet tank. And who was the young man who was taking care of his business in that stall?

Yup, you guessed it. _Mike Newton._

He stared at me shocked, zipped up his pants, and then stammered, "Al-Alice, I-I was just… um…. what-"

"Sorry, Mike," I said. "Girl's room is full. I thought I'd practice my gymnastics in here. Like my headstand?"

"Yeah- its, uh, great- really great! I didn't know you- you should go out for the gymnastics team!" He said, still shocked.

"I'm actually on one," I said.

"Really?" He looked truly curious.

"Oh yeah," I improvised, "I'm on the Turning Toilets Tumbling National Team."

He suddenly turned red in the face.

"Well, that's a great, Alice, listen I gotta go- Good luck on your practicing." He turned and ran out.

I waited a few seconds then hopped off the toilet. I quickly scanned the future. I was safe. Jasper, Edward, and Emmett had calmed down Rosalie and brought her to class. I slowly headed to math class.

As I sat down, Rosalie shot me eyes filled with hate.

"Alice, where have you been?" The teacher asked.

"Oh, um, you know- hunting elephants," I said.

I heard a few snickers.

"Well, next time- finish faster," she glared at me and wrote down something on a piece of paper. Bitch.

Morning passed by quickly and soon enough it was time for what we all had dreaded: lunch.


	4. It's War!

**APOV**

The first half of lunch passed by fairly quickly, however, Rosalie kept shooting me glares across the table. Bella squirmed uncomfortably in her chair, looking nervously from me to Rosalie. Edward put his arm around her.

I sighed. Things would never get better. That's when Emmett stood up suddenly and smashed his fist down on the table.

"Okay, okay, I admit it. I released the sex tape."

"WHAT THE FUCK!?" Rosalie screamed. Every single cafeteria occupant turned to look at us.

"EMMETT CULLEN YOU SURE AS HELL BETTER BE KIDDING!" She shrieked, grabbing his shirt collar.

Emmett remained calm.

"I'm not." He said simply.

And with that, Rosalie, holding onto Emmett's shirt collar, picked him up and threw him into the glass window behind us.

Every single high schooler in that cafeteria gasped for several reasons. The main being that a high school student had just picked up a guy who looked like he could be a body builder, and threw him into the window.

Before any of us could even react, a police officer guarding the cafeteria grabbed Rosalie by the arm.

"Sorry, Miss we're going to have to take you down to the station. You alright, big guy?" He asked, looking at Emmett.

"Chill, officer, chill," Emmett said, standing up. He feigned a slight pain by limping as he walked over to the rest of us.

Another police officer walked up and handcuffed Rosalie, then they brought her outside and put her in a squad car, and drove away.

"Oh my god," Edward said, pulling Bella closer to him.

"What will Esme say?" I asked. "The only time any of us got put in jail was when Emmett wore a dress and walked past the elementary school and got arrested for prostitution." I scanned the future. This would not end well.

The principal walked up to us, along with the school therapist, Mrs. Whore.

"Sorry, I hear you are Rosalie's…. adopted siblings?" The principal asked.

"Yea, man how's it going?" Emmett asked, shaking his hand.

"Do you mind if I could talk to you all for a little while?" He asked. Your parents are coming in as soon as they can."

He and Mrs. Whore led us to the office and brought us into a secluded room.

"I understand you and Rosalie are, dating?" He asked hesitantly, looking from person to person.

"That's right sir," Emmett answered.

"What caused her to become so…. violent?"

"Well, we were having an argument over food, like we always do," Emmett said, "and she said she wanted my cookie. I said no, it was mine, however she insisted she wanted it. I refused, and, well, you see the result."

"You mentioned that fighting over food was normal, what do you mean by that?" The principal looked intrigued.

"We have fights daily over food. She always wants my stuff, but won't pay for it."

"Has she ever been violent before?" Mrs. Whore asked the question now.

"Oh yeah, once she's kicked me out of the house a couple of times."

"Emmett, be careful," Edward whispered, too quietly for human ears to hear.

"She also has ruined various possessions of mine and my family, such as vases, couches, laptops, walls, you know, the usual."

Mrs. Whore and the principal looked horrified.

"And all of this because of… food?" Mrs. Whore asked.

"Oh yea, she's insane about food. Her life revolves around it. You should see her room. Posters of food, everywhere. She wants to live in a house like the witch in Hansel and Gretel. You know, a candy house?"

Bella and Jasper chuckled softly.

"Is Rosalie currently in therapy?" The principal asked. I burst out laughing.

"No, no, she refuses therapy, she says food is just a hobby. Just like a drug addict. You know the steps of being an addict?" Emmett asked. "Denial comes first. All addicts say the don't have a problem. They say smoking weed is just a hobby. Well, that's just like Rose."

At that moment, Carlisle and Esme burst in the room.

"Sorry, we got here as quick as we could," Esme said. "We understand there was a fight?"

"Yes," Mrs. Whore said, motioning for them to sit down. "Rosalie became violent over food and threw Emmett at a window."

Carlisle shook his head.

"Tell me, did Rosalie come from a violent family? I understand all your children are adopted." The principal said.

"Yes, yes," Carlisle answered. "She came from a very violent family, full of drug addicts."

"See? Runs in the family," Emmett snickered.

"What?" Esme asked.

"Mrs. Cullen, your son has told me Rosalie has been violent before?" Mrs. Whore stated, leaning forward to get the whole story.

"Oh, er, yes. She is constantly angry." Esme answered, looking a little shocked.

"And all over food?"

"Um, yes," Esme said, casting a sideways glance at Emmett, who in return shrugged.

"Have you ever considered therapy?"

"No, no, we have not."

"Then Mrs. Cullen, I recommend Doctor Mayonnaise. He is a fantastic therapist who specializes in addictions." Mrs. Whore handed Esme a card.

"And now I bet you need to take a trip down to the police station and check on Rosalie. They are planning on keeping her there for at least tonight I think."

"Yes, yes, thank you very much," Carlisle said, helping Esme up. I grabbed Jazz and pulled him up with me as well.

"Oh! And I have an article for each of you as well, to help you cope with this situation," Mrs. Whore said, opening a file cabinet and pulling out some articles.

To me, Jasper, Edward, and Bella, she handed to article _Coping With An Addict_. To Carlisle and Esme: _Raising an Addict: Understanding the Underlying Problem_. And to Emmett, she handed _Dating an Addict: How to Initiate Sex. _He snickered, and we all headed out the door and to the car.

"What the hell was that all about," Carlisle said, starting the car.

"We'll explain on the way to the station," I said. And I did.

For ten whole minutes I recounted the story of sneaking into Emmett and Rosalie's room, the sex tape being released, falling into Mike Newton's stall (they all laughed about that one, except for Jasper), and Rosalie throwing Emmett at the wall in anger of his admittance to exposing the sex tape.

"Why, Emmett, why?" Esme asked. "Why would you release a sex tape of you and Rosalie?"

"Nothing interesting happened in the last few months," he said. "Plus, I've heard a few jokes thrown around school about how I'm probably still a virgin."

I shook my head. Emmett was the only person I knew who would release a sex tape starring himself just to prove he wasn't a virgin.

"You knew Rosalie would be pissed though, Emmett," Bella spoke up.

"Yea, but, make up sex is the best." He grinned. Bella turned bright red. I looked at him with a disgusted look.

"All right, shut up now," Carlisle said as he turned into the police station. We all braced ourselves for Rosalie as we walked in.

"Bella!" Charlie called as we walked into the station.

"Um, hey dad," Bella said nervously.

He looked at Edward. "I knew there was something crazy about that family," he whispered.

"Dad! Shut up!" Bella said, clearly embarrassed.

Edward started laughing about something, probably Charlie's thoughts.

"Well, I guess you need to see your daughter?" Charlie said to Carlisle and Esme.

"Yes, please," Esme nodded.

Charlie led the way into the holding cells and after a few cells we came to Rosalie's.

"I'm afraid the guys want to keep her overnight, but I'll leave you all alone so you can talk to her," said Charlie. He unlocked Rosalie's cell and walked out, but brought Bella with him. He must think we were crazy.

Carlise, Esme, Edward, Emmett, Jasper, and I all stepped into the cell. Rosalie sat on a bench and glared at all of us.

Carlisle broke the silence.

"I cannot believe you, Rosalie."

"What did I do!?"

"You threw me at a window, and know everyone at Forks High School thinks you are Wonder Woman," Emmett piped up.

"Wonder Woman?" Rosalie questioned, frowning.

"Um, yea, you're like the only girl they've seen who can pick up someone by their shirt and throw them at a window."

"Not to mention he weighs like 600 pounds," I added.

"Shut up, Alice," Emmett said. "I only weigh 400, and half of that is muscle."

I rolled my eyes.

"You also have a police record now. A police record!" Esme exclaimed.

"Yea, let's just take a look at your police record now," Carlisle said, opening up a folder that Charlie had handed him on the way in.

"Six counts of assault, eighteen counts of battery, and five counts for attempted murder," he read aloud.

"I DIDN'T ATTEMPT TO MURDER HIM!" Rosalie shouted.

"When you throw someone at a window, Rosalie, that looks like you're trying to kill someone," Edward said.

Rosalie stood up, but sat down and looked calmer. I looked over at Jasper, who was concentrating hard to keep Rosalie's emotions in check.

"Oh yeah, Rose, and when you get out tomorrow, you're taking a trip to therapy," Emmett said.

"THERAPY?" Rosalie screamed.

"Yes, and when you go, just make sure you know your back story," Jasper said.

"My back story?"

"Yea, Rose, you are a food addict and are prone to violence," Emmett said.

"WHAT!?" Rosalie jumped up.

"Bye Rose, have fun tonight!"

And with that, we all ran, vampire speed to the door and slammed her cell door shut. She shook the bars.

"If humans didn't run this stupid jail, I'd snap these bars," Rosalie said.

"It's okay, Rose, we'll bring you food tomorrow!" Emmett cried as we walked out.

Bella was waiting for us by the door. As she was about to walk out with us, Charlie grabbed her.

"Sorry, I think I'm going to keep Bella and take her home myself," Charlie said.

"Alright, could she come over tomorrow at nine?" Edward asked.

"What about school?" Charlie asked, confused.

"Tomorrow's Saturday, Charlie, unless Bella is in Saturday school?" Carlisle said.

"No, sure she can come over," Charlie said.

"See you tomorrow Bella!" I waved.

"We'll pick Rosalie up tomorrow at nine, then pick Bella up here," Esme told Charlie.

He nodded and then waved us out. We all got in the car, sighed, and drove home.

"I guess I better go schedule an appointment with Dr. Mayonnaise," Carlisle said as we walked inside. Me and Jasper went upstairs to our room.

"What an insane day," I said as we lay on our bed.

"I know," he said back. "Emotions all over the place. I wonder what Dr. Mayo is like?"

I laughed.

"No doubt he'll want private sessions with us after he gets through Rosalie."

He chuckled and kissed my forehead.

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it." I sighed and snuggled into him.


	5. Therapy

**RPOV**

Carlisle and Esme picked me up in the morning. They said everyone else was waiting in the car.

Great, just great. Everyone ere to tell me what an idiot I am. But it was even worse. Once I got in the car Emmett said,

"Ready for therapy, Rose?"

"WHAT?"

"You've got an appointment with Dr. Mayonnaise this morning, honey," Esme explained. "He wants to see us privately as well."

I huffed and sat back in my seat. In about five minutes we reached a building that said "Mental Therapy Building". Alice laughed. I growled. I still wasn't happy with her, even if she didn't release my sex tape.

Once we were seated in the waiting room, Carlisle leaned over and said,

"Remember, Rosalie no exposing any information about us."

Esme nodded.

"You and Emmett are just dating, and we are normal human beings."

Alice laughed.

"Yea, normal, she just has a violent addiction to food."

"Shut UP, Alice!" I cried. I was getting really tired of this.

A tall man with blonde hair stepped into the waiting room.

"The Cullens?"

"Yes, that's us," Esme said.

"Ah! Yes! You must be Mr. and Mrs. Cullen," the man who I assumed was Dr. Mayonnaise said, shaking Carlisle and Esme's hands.

"If you don't mind, I'd like a short session with both of you before I speak to Rosalie, is that alright?"

Carlisle nodded and Dr. Mayonnaise led them into his office.

I sighed and wondered what horrible information they would say about me.

**EPOV**

Dr. Mayo led Carlisle and I into his office and motioned for us to sit down. There was a table in the middle, he sat on a large office chair behind it, and we sat in uncomfortable chairs in front of the table.

"So, first, let me get this straight," he started off. "You adopted five teenagers, two of which, Emmett and Rosalie, are dating?"

We nodded.

He continued, "Edward and his girlfriend, Bella are dating?" We nodded once again. "And the other two, Jasper and Alice, are- siblings?"

"Well, not blood siblings," Carlisle interrupted. "Rosalie and Jasper are twins, and Edward, Emmett, and Alice are siblings as well. We adopted two families sort of."

Dr. Mayo nodded but looked confused.

"The school therapist, Mrs. Whore, tells me that Rosalie is a food addict and is prone to violence when she doesn't get food?"

"Yes," I said, thinking carefully. "Rosalie is absolutely obsessed with food. She loves it, but won't admit she has an addiction. She tries to mooch food off all of us. When we don't give in, she will become violent, often breaking various possessions of ours."

"Interesting," the doctor said. "So, I must ask, how does she stay healthy? I mean, she looked very thin, how could someone who eats so much be so fit?"

"Um, well, you see," Carlisle stumbled. He looked over at me for help.

"Rosalie is- uh- bulimic!" I blurted. I heard a few of our children laugh in the lobby.

"Bulimia?" Dr. Mayo questioned and wrote something down on his pad of paper. We were never going to get out of here.

"And this is your first therapy session?"

"Yes," said Carlisle.

"Well, I'd like to have Rosalie in here, if you don't mind," Dr. Mayo said, "And then I would like Edward, Bella, Alice, and Jasper to come in for a session, and Emmett last."

"We'll send her in," I said as we walked out.

**RPOV**

"Rosalie!" Esme and Carlisle called from the office. I stood up, shoved them out of the way, and made my way into the office. I sat down.

"Well hello there, Rosalie." Dr. Douchebag said. "I heard you've been having an addiction problem. Could you tell me about it?"

"Um, I'm addicted to food."

"How long has this been a problem for?"

"Um- my whole life," I answered.

"How much food do you eat a day?"

"I try to eat about six times my body weight."

He looked at me with wide, concerned eyes and continued.

"Your family tells me you suffer from bulimia."

"Um, yea, I do, I guess." What else did they tell Dr. Douchebag?

"Why do you feel the need to regurgitate your food?"

"Because I don't want to get fat?"

"I see…"

Yea. You see. Good god, hurry up already!

"All right, well if you don't mind I'd like to see Edward, Bella, Jasper, and Alice. Send them in will you?"

All right Dr. Douchebag. Because now I'm your personal slave. I went out into the waiting room and motioned them into the room. I sat down in a chair.

"How'd it go, Rosie?" Emmett asked, leaning in to me.

I swatted him. I still hadn't forgiven him for releasing our sex tape to all of Forks High School. Talk about idiots.

**APOV**

Edward, Bella, Jasper and I all sat down across from Dr. Mayonnaise. Bella looked absolutely terrified.

"So, Jasper, I hear you are Rosalie's brother?" Dr. Mayonnaise asked.

"That is correct, sir," Jasper responded.

Dr. Mayo looked surprised. No one had ever called him sir before. I smiled at my husband's Southern dialect. He was just so cute sometimes, he always acted so-

"Alice," Edward said.

"Get out of my head!"

"I try."

I rolled my eyes and turned back to Dr. Mayo.

"So, Jasper, both of your parents were drug addicts, is that correct?"

"Correct again, sir."

"I know Rosalie has an addiction, do you display any addiction signs?"

"I do not sir." I gave Jasper a small thumbs-up under the table. We certainly did not need Dr. Mayo thinking we had more problems.

"Only Rosalie has an addiction in your family?"

"Yes," I said. "Well, unless you count Emmett's- never mind, that doesn't count."

Shit.

"Emmett's what, Alice?"

"Um, he is just a minor sex addict."

"A minor sex addict? Alice this is huge."

"It's not that bad I promise!"

"Smooth, Alice, smooth," Edward said. I glared at him.

Dr. Mayo looked really worried now.

"How long has he been a sex addict?"

"Um- not too long-"

"Years and years, Dr. Mayonnaise," Edward said, smirking at me. What a jerk.

"Just how addicted is he, Edward?"

"Very. He has sex at least six times a day, and does it everywhere, including empty classrooms at school."

"Hey! That was only once!" Emmett yelled from the hallway.

"Is he violent as well?"

"Violent? Oh hell yeah. He's almost as bad as Rose. When he's going at it he breaks walls, he's even destroyed entire houses having sex!"

At this point I was beyond shock. Out of all the people in our family that could be saying this, Edward was the last person I would suspect.

"And your parents, have they every considered- well I mean, I know Emmett was adopted-"

"Oh, they've tried to give him back to our adoption agency. They don't want him. He's destroyed many of their facilities."

Dr. Mayo looked at all of us wide-eyed.

"Bella, I know you don't live with the Cullens, but have you known about Rosalie and Emmett's addictions?"

"Um, yes, yes, I have." She said quietly. I could have sworn she was shaking.

"Have either of them ever been violent towards you?"

"No, no!" She squealed.

"Edward keeps her away from them," Jasper explained.

"Well, then if you don't mind I'd like a session with Emmett now," Dr. Mayo said.

We each stood up and felt relieved to be walking out.

**EPOV**

"Sup, Doc?" I said as soon as I sat down, shaking his hand.

"The ceiling. Now, Emmett, I hear you are a sex addict?"

I shook my head.

"Nah, I would call it more of a sexual habit."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I mean sex is a habit. It's my hobby. While other people's hobbies are scrap booking and soccer, my hobby is sex! I like to think of it as a sport. It's great really."

"You don't see it as a problem?"

"Problem? Hell no, dude. Do you see sex as a problem?"

He blushed. Ha ha. He looked just like Bella.

"So, is this- sex, with anyone?"

"Are you asking if I'm a man whore?"

"I-"

"Answer the question man!"

"Um, yes." Dr. Mayo said. "I am asking if you are a man whore."

"That's more like it! No, I'm not a man whore. My sex is with Rosalie specifically. Unless you count my life before- then well… you know."

"Is Rosalie a sex addict too?"

"Nope. Just a food addict."

"Your siblings tell me you often become violent in your love making."

"I wouldn't call it violent dude- just passionate. You know?" I explained. "Sometimes we are just so lost in…. each other, that we don't even realize that boom! We just killed an entire house."

Dr. Mayo looked at a loss for words.

"Anything else I can help you with, Doc?"

"No, no, that is all. I will schedule and appointment with you and your family tomorrow."

"Okay! Peace on the streets, man!" I yelled as I sprinted out of the office.

**Please review and tell me what you want to happen next! Oh, and special bonus points if you know where peace on the streets is from! :)**


	6. Help!

Hey guys, this isn't a chapter but I really need suggestions. I feel drained of all creativity so if you could help me out with ideas that would be great, thanks. :)


	7. Family Issues

_**Hello everyone! Back from a long break! I have been super busy with school and I don't have my own laptop, so I will only be able to update every weekend or so. However, in June, when school ends, I will try updating a lot more! Thank you all for your support!**_

_Emmett POV_

Once we were home, Carlisle decided to have a family meeting just to straighten everything out.

"So if I understand correctly, Rosalie, you are a bulimic food addict who becomes very violent when you do not receive food, and Emmett, you are a sex addict who knocks down houses while having sex?"

I smiled. "Correct, pops!"

"Wipe that stupid grin off your face, Emmett, you and your siblings are all suspended from school for two weeks."

Everyone cheered.

"Wait," Rosalie said. "Why are Alice, Jasper, Bella, and Edward suspended? Did they have a _hot_ sex tape released as well?" She glared at me. I sighed. She was still pissed at me for releasing the sex tape. I couldn't understand why. She was a bobcat in bed; didn't she want to show off her skills to everyone? They could use some helpful tips. Especially baby Newton. Poor little Mike. All he wants is to be with Bella in bed, maybe impregnate her and-

Edward stood up as quickly as possible and rushed to the bathroom but it was too late. He vomited the blood from his last hunt all over the carpet.

"Edward!" Esme cried. She and Bella both ran up to him and held him. This was ridiculous. No one ever cuddles me when Rosalie won't suck me.

"What the hell was that all about?" Carlisle asked.

"Emmett had possibly one of the worst thoughts ever." Edward said, and then, coming to his senses, straightened up and sat back down next to Bella. He looked at me disgustedly.

"So anyways," Rosalie said from her perch atop of the couch. "Why does everyone else get to skip school as well?"

"Well, Rosalie, we were just about to talk to you about that." Carlisle looked around the room. "Alice, the office received a complaint of you snooping in the boy's bathroom?" Jasper looked down at Alice in shock and hurt. She patted his chest.

"No, no, Jasper. It's all a misunderstanding. Rosalie threw me in there." Jasper nodded, but he still didn't look very reassured.

Carlisle continued. "The others of you were given time off of school to consult with Dr. Mayo. And I hope you will, because if you don't, well, let's just say it won't be good and leave it at that."

Everyone looked from one another nervously. Except for me. I grinned from ear to ear. This was going to be great. My goal was to make the therapist think I was as insane as possible. After all, the crazier the better!

_THE NEXT DAY- Edward POV_

We were sitting in the waiting room waiting for Dr. Mayo to come out. I was sitting next to Bella, cradling her hand. We were all here except for Emmett. I wondered what he could be up to. Suddenly Dr. Mayonnaise's' office door swung open and he stepped out.

"Bella and Edward, please?" He asked. Bella and I stood up and walked towards the office. Along the way, I heard Emmett whisper,

"Good luck, my brotha from anotha mutha." I shook my head and continued into the office. I still hadn't forgiven him for those awful thoughts that made me vomit the blood from my last hunt. And in front of my family! How embarrassing.

We sat down and Dr. Mayo started right off.

"So, Edward, you and Bella are dating?"

"That is correct, doctor."

"Bella, how long have you known about Emmett and Rosalie's addictions?"

Bella looked positively terrified. "Oh, not for too long." I silently thanked her inside my head. This was a good way for us to not have therapy forever. Once Dr. Mayo realized we had nothing to do with the addiction problems, we were done.

Clearly Dr. Mayo did not feel the same way. 'So they have been hiding it from you?"

Bella panicked. "Well, no, I mean, I never really, hung out around them I guess."

"And why might that be? Did they look menacing to you? Did you hear stories from Edward?"

"Well- I mean, Emmett is obviously is very large in size- like a bodybuilder you know…"

"Like a body builder you say? How often does he work out? He does look quite large." I sighed. This man would not give up!

"Oh, I don't know. I don't think it's really a big deal-"

"Oh but it is a big deal! I'll bet he works out lifting weights several times a day!"

Suddenly, my brother's thoughts flooded my head. _I bet he'll go gay for me, Eddy Boy. Don't you think? He just loves my ripped body and abs…_

I couldn't stand those awful thoughts and images flooding my head from Emmett. I tried to control it, but I could not. For the second time in two days, I threw up blood.

"Edward!" Dr. Mayo and Bella gasped and ran over to help me.

"I'll need to see both of your parents straight away!" Dr. Mayo shouted as Bella helped me out.

Carlisle and Esme quickly stood up at the mention of their names. They looked back at me in concern but turned to look at Emmett and glared. He waved.

_Carlisle POV_

Esme and I were brought to another doctor's office since Dr. Mayo's had to be cleaned.

"Mr. and Mrs. Cullen, I think you are facing some major issues in your family." He looked very concerned and whipped out a large notebook to take notes.

"I'd like to first get to the bottom of your son's performance in my office." Great. Starting off real light.

"Performance?" I played dumb.

"He just vomited blood in my office."

"Oh, right." Great, now he probably thought I was an idiot.

"We're used to it," I said, trying to act nonchalant. "It's not the first time."

"Not the first time?"

"Well I mean-"

"Carlisle, you are a doctor, you ought to know better than I do that vomiting blood is a sign of liver damage- perhaps even disease."

"Well I can assure you that Edward has no liver problems whatsoever."

"How can you be sure?" Dr. Mayo looked at me curiously. "Does Edward drink?"

"Does he what?"

"Drink," Dr. Mayo repeated. "Does he often go out and party? I think we may be drawing some conclusions here. After suffering a day long of abuse due to his brother and sister's violent addictions, he may simply try to drink his problems away."

Esme looked as though she was in shock.

"Liver damage can be caused by drinking too much, and his vomiting blood is definitely a sign of some problems."

"Well, Doctor I-"

"I'll make a note to talk to him about it," Dr. Mayo said. Good. At least we were able to dodge one bullet.

"Then we come to the issue of your son and daughter's addictions." Esme and I nodded. Here it was!

"I'd like to get to the bottom of Rosalie's food addiction and Emmett's sex addiction."

"Well, its simple really, doctor," my beautiful wife tried. "Rosalie was born into a family of violent drug addicts and she simply took up an addiction as well, however, one less serious."

"Less serious? Bulimia is a very serious disorder, Mrs. Cullen. Food addictions are not very common, and becoming violent as a way to receive food is definitely not healthy for Rosalie or your family."

"Well, yes I understand that- I guess we just are just too busy to notice that it had become such a large problem in her life."

"So you don't spend time with your children?"

Esme looked at me, but I couldn't help her out. She had dug this hole for herself.

"We spend time with them- just not to the point where we notice addiction and bulimia signs very easily."

The doctor shook his head. "I think we may be getting to the root of these problems. I think you two simply neglect your children!"

Esme gasped. "No, no, doctor- that's not right! We love them, we care for them, we do not neglect them!"

Dr. Mayo reached across the table and patted her hand. "It's alright," he said. "sometimes it is tough for some parents to accept the fact that they have been negligent towards their children."

"Dr. Mayonnaise, I can assure you, my wife and I certainly do not neglect our children!" I was angry. Who was this man to accuse my entire family of various problems?

The doctor shook his head.

"This is the very reason Edward parties all night. He feels a need to be loved by someone, and for him, that someone is alcohol."

"No, for him that someone is Bella!" Esme cried.

Dr, Mayo was not convinced. "This is the very reason why you did not care or rush in when Edward showed signs of liver disease by vomiting blood."

I just shook my head and took Esme's hand.

"If you don't mind, I'd like to see Emmett in my office."

I nodded and helped Esme up. Together we walked out of the office and beckoned for Emmett to go in. He grinned and stood up. As we passed him by, I whispered, "Don't make us look like negligent parents, whatever you do. We do _not _neglect you.

Emmett kept his smile.

"I dunno dad, this whole therapy thing, it's kinda making me change my mind." I was about to retort when he walked past me and into the office.

Esme and I sat down on a couch in the waiting room. I sighed. This was going to be bad.

_**Hope you guys enjoyed it! I have a TON of funny ideas for Emmett's session, and let me know if you want something! My next update may be tomorrow, however it could be as late as next month. Stay tuned!**_


	8. The Rapist

_**Hey everyone! Thanks for all of the positive reviews last chapter! Glad you guys all seem to like it! Enjoy this next chapter!**_

I sat down in the doc's office and knew my plan. Sorry Carlisle and Esme, but you had this one coming. Dr. Mayo looked at me curiously and said,

"So, you are the sex addict, am I right?"

Of course, how could he forget? I am obviously the most attractive one in the family, plus my rock-hard abs and…

"EMMETT!" I heard Edward yell from behind the door. I shook my head. Jealousy made my brother do strange things. I heard him curse at me under his breath. I turned my attention back to Dr. Mayo.

"Correct, doc! By the way, you're a therapist, right?"

Dr. Mayo nodded.

"HAHA! That's great, so now I can call you 'the rapist' because that's what therapist spells, right?" I fell to the ground laughing. This was just too much.

After lying on the floor for almost five minutes busting my sides laughing, I stood up and sat back down in the chair and tried my best to maintain my composure. Dr. Mayo looked a little nervous. He probably thought I was crazy now.

"Emmett, you seem perfectly at ease with such a severe addiction. Does being a sex addict bother you at all?"

I shook my head. "Not at all, doc, not at all! I'm way better than my siblings they-"

Oh crap. I had said too much. No going back on this one.

Dr. Mayo peered at me over his thick-rimmed eyeglasses.

"Their what? Do any more of your siblings have disorders besides you and Rosalie? And, of course, excluding your negligent parents."

"Well," I started off, trying to think of some funny ideas. "I suppose my sex addiction may stem from the fact that my brother Jasper suffers from a sad and traumatic disorder."

Dr. Mayo looked shocked.

"And what would that be, Emmett?"

"Well, I'm sure you know that Jasper and Rosalie are both twins." He nodded. "And you also probably know that their parents were violent drug addicts, which is where Rosalie's violent food addiction and bulimia started." Doc nodded again. "Well, while Jasper does not suffer from an addiction, he does have a large problem."

"And it is?"

"Well, The rapist, you see, Jasper was in the war when he was younger and…"

"Younger? Aren't you all teenagers?"

Shit.

"Um- yea, but Jasper, went to the war when he was 16."

"Isn't that illegal?"

"Well, um, you see he had a friend in the army and he kind of helped him along, so yea." The rapist didn't look very convinced. "But back to what I was saying. Jasper was in the war for a few years and he now suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder."

Dr. Mayo gasped. I nodded sadly, playing along.

"He suffers from awful nightmares and flashbacks. It is quite depressing really."

The rapist nodded along knowingly. Ha, he was actually buying into this crap!

"Could you tell me more about this friend who let Jasper into the army underage?"

"Um, well, it wasn't really a friend it was, er- Edward!"

"Edward was in the army as well?"

"Yes. He was able to fake his and Jasper's ID cards. He is quite adept at that as well; Edward is very sneaky: he's a thief."

Dr. Mayo looked like he was about to pass out.

"And your other siblings? Alice and Bella?"

"Well, Bella isn't technically a sibling, but she and Alice both have severe problems as well."

"And what might those problems be?"

Dr. Mayo already had half of his notebook filled and by the looks of it he would need at least four more to accommodate what I was about to tell him. This was brilliant. I couldn't wait to see the looks on everyone's faces when they heard what I had told the rapist.

"The rapist, you see, Bella believes in crazy fairy tales that no normal person should."

"And these fairy tales are?"

"Vampires. Bella believes vampires exist." I wanted to burst out laughing but I had to remain slightly sane. Dr. Mayo looked like he was about to throw up, cry, or laugh. I couldn't tell which.

"How much so?"

"Very much so, doc. Bella is so obsessed with vampires that she often goes out to the woods and pretends to talk to them. She tells her father she is friends with a whole coven of them. She is so obsessed she tapes pictures of vampires to her bedroom walls. It is all very odd, as you may imagine."

"Yes, yes, I will write that down as hallucinations. Does Bella use any drugs?"

Man, what a great idea! How had I not thought of that!

"Oh yeah, loads."

"What types?"

"Just the usual, coke, Mary Jane, you know."

"Does she sell these drugs as well as using them?"

"Oh no, doc. That's Alice's problem. She is a straight up drug dealer. She sells drugs at lunch in the school, in between classes in the bathroom, hell, she even tried to sell drugs to a group of elementary school kids once!"

"Well, if you don't mind I would like to see your entire family in my office right away!"

"Sure thing, the rapist!" I grinned and opened the door. I rounded the corner and my entire family stood there, glaring at me.

Alice had to hold Jasper back as he reached for my shirt collar.

'What the HELL is wrong with you, Emmett?" Carlisle had never been so angry. Ah well. He'd get over it in time.

Rosalie was still pissed at me about the sex tape but I couldn't help but notice her giving me a thumbs-up. She approved. I couldn't wait to get home and carry her off to our bed, rip her clothes off, get a little foreplay and-

Edward hit me over the head as we walked into the office.

My entire family sat down around a large conference table, with Dr. Mayo at the head. He looked extremely worried.

He took a deep breath and began.

"I have absolutely no idea where to begin."

Rosalie smiled and offered, "How about Carlisle and Esme? After all, they are the cause of all of our problems. If they didn't neglect us, none of us would have any of these problems in the first place."

Carlisle and Esme shifted uncomfortably in their seats/

"Well, let me start off by asking you children a question. Do you all really believe your parents are neglectful?"

We all nodded. Of course we didn't really, if anything, Carlisle and Esme were the opposite of neglectful. However, it was all their fault we were forced to sit through this awful therapy torture.

Esme put her face into her hands.

The rapist nodded and said,

"Then there's nothing more I can do than to contact the CPS and inform them. I will also need to contact the adoption agency."

We all exchanged small smiles. It would take him forever to find out where we were 'adopted' from.

"So first, Jasper, I think we should come to you. You suffer from post traumatic stress due to your time spent fighting in the war?"

Jasper shook his head.

"I did fight in the war, sir, but I suffer from nothing."

"You seem a bit in denial about this whole disorder, do you think that is correct?"

"No, sir, I do not!" Jasper shouted, slamming the table with his hands. Alice calmed him down as best as he could.

"Edward?" Dr. Mayo asked. "I understand you faked IDs to enlist both yourself and Jasper into the war?"

Edward sighed.

"Correct."

I was surprised he just went along with it, but what else could he do?

"You also are a thief?"

"Correct again."

"Have you ever been caught?"

"No."

"What do you believe caused this?"

"I don't know."

He wasn't talking.

"It's a sensitive subject for Edward, doc," I said. "He feels down in the dumps today because he hasn't stolen for at least three days now. You better watch your back, next thing you know, your underwear will be gone!"

Alice giggled, and Dr. Mayo turned to her.

"Alice, you are a drug dealer?"

This caused Alice to erupt into a fit of giggles once more.

"Alice, I need you to stay calm. Have you ever sold any drugs before?"

Alice fell of her chair and rolled around the room laughing.

"She's just high, doctor." Dr. Mayo turned to Rosalie. "She's always like this: high from all of the drugs."

"Bella as well?"  
Bella blushed and hid her face in Edward's sleeve.

"No, doctor," Rosalie said. "She is going through withdrawal right now. She is trying to get off the drugs, but if you take a little trip to our house tonight, you will probably find her with bong in her mouth."

"Brilliant," I whispered to Rose, vampire-speed. She smiled at me sexily. I was getting turned on.

"Can we speed this process up, doc?" I asked. "I have an important meeting to take care of after this."

The rapist glanced at the clock.

"Well, I suppose you all deserve a break. It has been a long day of therapy. I'd like to see you in my office in two days again, but I want you all to do something for me."

"What is that, Dr. Mayonnaise?" Esme asked.

"Stay safe. Please."

I laughed. He seriously thought all of our addictions/problems were real, and that we were going to die! This was great.

"We'll try," was all Carlisle could muster with a grim smile as he helped Esme up and we all walked out of his office and out of the mental hospital.

Once we all got settled in the car I knew I was in trouble, because the first words out of his mouth were,

"Emmett, you're dead."

_**Thanks so much for reading! Come back later this week for a new chapter!**_


	9. A Record

Back after a super long break! School is out now, so I'm getting back in the swing of writing. I am leaving on a weeklong trip in a few days, however, so a new chapter may not be posted soon after. Thanks for your patience!

**Emmett POV**

The rest of the car ride was silent, but I knew that my family was just scheming ways to punish me. I couldn't even imagine what they could do. Maybe Rose could "punish" me with a whip, maybe dress up in an executioner's costume again, oh man, role play. I could dress up as a naked prisoner, she would whip me, and I could whip her, than take her over to bed-

"EMMETT!" God, Edward was angry. Maybe he was hormonal.

"Emmett…"

"Chill out, man, chill out," I said.

We pulled into the driveway, stepped out of the car and into the house. I grabbed Rosalie and started to pull her up the stairs when Carlisle placed his firm grip on my shoulder.

"Hold up a minute, Emmett," he said, looking at me. "You don't just get a free ride out of this. You need to be punished for all the stuff you said in the office." He glanced over at Edward, who started nodding his head and smiling. Oh, god, what was this punishment? No sex?

"Emmett, I have decided that as your punishment, you and Rosalie are kicked out of the house, once again."

I felt a slight relief in my stomach, however, Rosalie started shouting. "THAT'S NOT FAIR, CARLISLE! I did nothing! Emmett was the one spreading all of the fake facts about everyone!" She picked up a vase from a nearby table and threw it. It hit the wall and shattered. Water and flowers dripped down the wall. Esme and Bella stared at the scene in shock, while Alice looked bored. She had no doubt foreseen this all hours ago.

"Well, Rosalie, the reason you are kicked out of the house is now added upon," Carlisle explained. "All your crazy antics at the school caused you to become suspended and gave you a police record, neither saying very good things on your mother and I's part. The second reason being is that you clearly cannot handle yourself in situations. Throwing glass vases at walls? Get out."

Apparently that last statement was literal because Jasper and Edward took us both by our arms and tossed us both out the door and slammed it shut.

"God, Emmett, this is all your fault," Rosalie pouted as we sat on the porch.

"Aw, Rose, chill out, we've been kicked out before," I said. "Relax." She glared at me a whacked me in the back of the head.

"Well," I said. "I guess we better go find someplace to go. Carlisle won't let us stay out here."

Rose grunted in agreement and allowed me to help her up. We ran vampire speed through the woods to the center of town. It was nearly 8 pm, so no one would be able to spot two blurs in the dark. We stopped and Rose asked,

"Where do we go now?"

I spied an empty bench a few feet away and sat down on it.

"Right here, Rose! We can be like hobos! Maybe we could even get some extra money by begging! HELP FOR THE POOR! HELP FOR THE POOR!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. She whacked me in the head again.

"We have to stay here until at least morning. What the fuck are we supposed to do?" It was then that I got a small smile on my face. What always kept us occupied when we were bored? Rosalie must have caught my drift because she reached over and started unbuttoning my shirt ever so slowly. I lunged at her and ripped off her shirt and pants. She squealed as I tore off the final layers of clothing.

Around 9 am the next morning I heard someone shouting. I didn't care. We were still going at it. Hot damn, I could continue this for days! We might be able to beat our personal record of six days, 18 hours, 12 minutes and 53 seconds!

It was then that I felt a hand grasp my shoulder and attempt to tear me off of Rosalie.

"Young man!" I hopped off of Rosalie and turned around to face a police officer. Rosalie shrieked and grabbed a newspaper laying nearby to cover up her bare chest. Haha. Now she _really_ looked like a hobo.

"Just what do you two think you're doing?" The officer asked. He continued to interrogate us before eventually calling Carlisle and Esme, who arrived quickly, almost too quickly. They must have ran.

I took some serious convincing and bluffing on their part to persuade the officer not to lock us up and have me tried for rape and public nudity, but eventually we were let off with a warning. Carlisle and Esme shouted at us the entire ride home about how we couldn't be trusted and blah blah blah. I didn't really mind though, because that was probably the best sex I had had in a while! Plus, we weren't kicked out anymore!

The next day, we were all seated around the large conference table in Dr. Mayonnaise's office once again. He asked how we had handled the break between sessions. Everyone looked at eachother before Esme finally said,

"Everything went wonderful, Dr. Mayonnaise. Simply wonderful."

"I'm glad to hear that," the doc said. "Because I have some very hard things planned for you all today. I'd like to first start out with a session with Emmett."

I grinned as everyone looked at me nervously as the walked out. How fun! Alone time with the doc! Maybe he really was gay after all…

"EMMETT!" Edward yelled from the lobby.

"So, Emmett, I take it you handled yourself reasonably during the break?" He whipped out his stupid notebook again.

"Yep, doc, everything went absolutely great! I had an _awesome_ time, maybe the best in my life."

"I'd like to first explore more about your personal life. Any other hobbies besides sex?"

"Well, doc, as you may be able to tell, I am smokin' hot and am absolutely ripped."

"So, you exercise a lot?" The doc interrupted. He was such a cockblock.

"Oh yeah, totally. I love to lift."

"And why is that, Emmett?"

"Well," I explained. "I kind of have to have muscles, due to the fact that I'm- I'm-" Think fast, Emmett, think fast. "I'm an Aeropostle model!"

I heard a few laughs and shouts from the waiting room.

The doc was furiously scribbling down notes.

"Yes, yes, this is just like Rosalie," he was saying to himself. "Willing to do anything for a good body image, only he has motivation." He looked up. "How often do you do these- er- model shoots?"

"Once a week, doc."

"Are you required to have, er- muscle tone?"

"Well, hell yea, doc! Haven't you seen the pictures at Aeropostle? All those ripped naked guys? Walking into that store is like a hot naked orgy!"

He turned redder than I knew a human possibly could and continued to ask me questions.

"Why do you do this modeling? Money for college, extra time, or are you forced?"

"Nah, doc, I do this for the money! You get paid for how big your muscles are."

The doc was filling up pages in his notebook so fast I could have sworn he was a vampire.

"What do you mean by that, Emmett?" He asked as he wrote.

"Well, every shoot the people measure my muscles. Every single one. I get a buck for every inch. So as you can imagine, it adds up. I use the money to buy myself clothes."

He nodded and continued writing. Ah, man, this was great! Almost better than sex!

I leaned forward and whispered,

"But do you know what gets me $s100 for every inch?" God, I sounded so seductive. I was using my sexy voice that I used with Rosalie, and the doctor was licking it up like whipped cream on Rosalie! I was about to laugh, but I kept a straight face. I should get an Oscar!

"What is it, Emmett?" He looked truly intrigued.

"My dick."

If I thought he was red before, this was 100x redder. He looked like a giant pimple filled with blood, ready to explode. Not that I ever had any pimples as a measly human.

"So you do this weight lifting specifically for your model shoots, right? You must do them because if you don't, you won't make money." I nodded. "And you need this money to buy yourself clothes?"

"Yep!"

"Why don't your parents- oh, god, oh god." The doc was now moaning to himself. It almost sounded like he was having sex, which was getting me turned o n. I shifted in the chair.

Finally, he stopped his moaning.

"This is another way your parents show their negligence of you children. They refuse to buy you clothing!"

I started laughing really hard at that accusation. Man, what a great idea! Carlisle and Esme are so neglectful that they have a food addicted bulimic, a thief with liver disease drinking his problems away, a drug dealer, a drug addict who hallucinates due to drugs, a kid with post-traumatic stress disorder due to his time in the war, and of course, a sex addict who models for Abercrombie to buy his own clothes.

The doc must have took my laughing for crying, so he started comforting me.

"There, there, Emmett, it's alright. We'll get you therapy you need. Especially your neglectful parents! I swear to you, Emmett, if it takes calling the CPS and having all five of you children taken away from them, I'll do it. For you, Emmett, for you…" Damn, he was really playing the part of my knight in shining armor well. His whole speech only made me laugh harder. The chair was practically vibrating with my laughter, creating vibrations in the floor and causing Dr. Mayo to bounce in his seat a little.

Finally, I got up, rubbed my face, and headed out the door.

"Call Rosalie in for me, please, Emmett," he said as I walked out. I shut the door behind me. I looked around at my family in the waiting room. They were all in tears laughing, well, only Bella, who was the only one who could cry. She was literally sobbing next to Edward, who was shaking violently. Rosalie had a pleased look on her face and slithered up next to me.

"Now _that_ calls for a reward, Em-Em," she said sexily. I smiled down at her mischievous face wondering what that reward could possibly be. Tree sex? God, I sure hope so.

Jasper had his head buried in his hands, and Alice was rolling and kicking around on the floor with laughter. The other patients in the waiting room looked around at her nervously, probably thinking she was having a mental breakdown. I heard one mother whisper to her kid,

"Schizophrenia, it's a sad, sad illness."

While I continued to laugh with my family, Carlisle and Esme glared at me, too mad for words. I couldn't blame them, even if what I said was hilarious.

I told Rosalie to go into Dr. Mayo's office, and she did, but not before seductively running her fingers down my arm.

"Just you wait, Emmett," she whispered. "Tonight will be a night unlike any other…" and with that she walked into the office and shut the door behind her.

Hope you guys like it! Another _hilarious _and odd chapter is coming your way! And don't forget to review! It keeps me going! Love you guys! :)


	10. Down With Therapy!

Thank you guys so much for all the nice reviews last chapter! I want to hug all of you! This chapter will be interesting to say the least…

**Rosalie's POV**

I walked into Dr. Mayo's office and closed the door. All the lights were off, except for three candles on the desk. _What the hell?_ I thought. _Is he having one of those candle-lit dinners? With himself?_

It sure looked like it. A basket of hot rolls steamed on one of the desk, next to a basket of red grapes. An apple pie sizzled in the middle, along with a bucket of ice cream. There was even more food after that! A plate of chicken pot pie with two turkey legs. A tray full of mini grilled cheese sandwiches. A bowl of fresh tossed salad. Marshmallows and gummy bears in a huge bowl mixed together. A ten layer chocolate cake with frosting. A box with a hot pepperoni pizza complete with cheese breadsticks. And the craziest thing: a four-foot high chocolate fountain.

"Dr. Mayonnaise," I said. "What the hell is this?"

He smiled.

"Hell is a bad word," he said as he grinned. "Please sit down."

I sat down. What the fuck was this all about? I was getting really pissed off.

"Rosalie, I know all about your food addiction."

"Oh you do, huh?" I asked.

"I know you are prone to violence when you don't get food, and I know you are a bulimic. Now, this of course, is what you and your parents have told me, but I haven't seen first hand your addiction up close. One of the ways that can help we to find the right kind of treatment for you, usually a medication, is to witness your addiction. So I have brought this food here today to witness it."

Oh, my god. Am I now a fucking science project? Or just an animal in the zoo to gurgle and drool at?

"Rosalie, I can only assume you are very tempted right now," he said gently and calmly.

"Actually I'm perfectly fine," I stated flatly, crossing my arms over my chest.

He laughed softly to himself and shook his head.

"It's okay, Rosalie, you can be honest with me. I'm your therapist, I'm trained for these sorts of things."

_Really?_ I thought and shook my head. Seriously, how did this idiot ever make it through medical school?

Suddenly, Dr. Douchebag threw his hands out in front of all the food and said in some weird- super creepy possessed voice,

"This is my food, Rosalie. Mine. Not yours. You cannot eat."

So am I now a dog? Who is this "doctor" to tell me what I can and can't do? I don't even eat, let alone like human food, but this was just too much. He couldn't tell me what to do.

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO YOU BITCH!" I screamed at him. I grabbed a turkey leg from a plate and started chomping down on it. As I expected, it tasted disgusting, but it wasn't as bad as I thought. I could almost taste the faint taste of blood.

Dr. Douchebag looked at me in shock.

"Well, Rosalie, I think I have witnessed your food addiction first hand now. While I am happy you didn't display any signs of violence, the screaming and yelling part we need to work on. I have some medication that will help you with your addiction to food. These prescription drugs change your brain chemistry to make you not want food as badly as you usually do. I also am recommending an anger management group to your parents. It meets every Thursday at the town hall from six to eight. I believe they really can help you with your anger issues and resentment…" Dr. Douchebag just kept droning on and on and on and I was growing more pissed by the minute. Who was this human to suggest I needed drugs and classes to make myself a "better person"? I'm already perfect, thank you.

The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. I gripped the table in my hands and felt a piece of it break off and crumble in my hands. I started shaking violently from all the pent-up anger inside of me.

Dr. Douchebag finally glanced up at me to see me gripping the table and shaking back and forth violently.

"Rosalie, is something the matter? Maybe I have some medication for that-"

"I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" I screamed so loud I'm pretty sure everyone within a three hundred mile radius could hear me. Dr. Mayo covered his ears and stared up at me in shock.

I had had it. I picked up the pizza and threw it. It hit the wall and slid down slowly, leaving a greasy smear as it fell. I grabbed the basket of buttery hot rolls and threw them one by one at the doctor, like baseballs. When I ran out of rolls I did the same with the grapes. They pelted him one by one so hard he fell to the floor, cowering in the corner.

But I wasn't done. I still had an entire table full of food. The apple pie went next, along with the ceramic plate, which shattered as it hit the ground. Bits and pieces of the pie flew everywhere, splattering the office walls.

At this point Dr. Douchebag was standing up in a vain attempt to try to stop the situation from happening. After being hit in the face with a piece of chicken potpie, he stopped the attempt. He peeled the plate off of his face, and tried to wipe off all the residue of food it left with his shirtsleeve, which now looked as though he had blown 200 people's noses on it.

I picked up the bucket of ice cream with the scooper and started scooping out some to throw at him. It was like a snowball fight. Dr. Douchebag yelled in protest as he was hit with ice cream scoops. I started laughing at the hilarity of it all.

Then, the doctor picked up the plate of mini grilled cheese sandwiches and started throwing them at me. But, due to me being a vampire and his bad aim, I was able to dodge each and every one, well, expect for one. One of the sandwiches split open as it was thrown, revealing two pieces of bread dripping with gooey, melted cheese. One of the pieces hit me in the forehead, ruining my hair for the day. It was then that things got out of control, if they weren't already.

I let out a low yell, which my family would later describe as "A tarzan-gorilla noise" (Emmett), "An Indian battle cry" (Jasper), and "A lion roar" (Bella).

The fight escalated to a much higher level than all the years of Dr. Mayo's medical training could have prepared him for. The bowl of tossed salad went first, right over his head. He shook himself free of the big pieces, but little bits of lettuce still clung to his hair, not to mention the French dressing.

We both jumped for the bowl of gummy bears and marshmallows and started throwing them at each other. It was like one of those games elementary schoolers play with each other in gym class. The bowl was quickly finished and thus ending our war of pelting each other with candy. The cake was next. I grabbed a piece of it in my hand and tossed it at him with all my might. It barley missed him as he ducked and hit the wall instead. He grabbed a chunk and threw it at me, missing. We both kept dodging each other's shots until the cake was gone and the walls were covered with cake and frosting, although it resembled poop more than anything.

Only one thing was left. We both looked at it for a quick second and then locked eyes. It was like a slow motion movie as we both took off running towards it. I got there first. He gave a final cry of, "Rosalie, no!" before I shoved the flowing chocolate fountain over on top of him.

He fell to the ground as the melted chocolate poured over him. He cried out as it burned his body. The chocolate continued to flow and it looked as though he had just rolled around in a huge pile of mud. He wasn't even recognizable as he jumped up and flung open the office door and ran into the waiting room.

"GET OUT! RUN! SPARE YOURSELVES!" He cried as he raced out the doors of the building. Everyone looked bewildered at the man covered from head-to-toe in chocolate screaming and running out of the building. They all turned to me. I didn't really look any better. I had cheese all over my hair and bits of frosting on my face. Gummy bears and marshmallow pieces were stuck all over me and my shirt was splattered with chocolate.

Suddenly, the receptionist shouted,

"SHE'S THE BULIMIC! She's gonna throw up! Everybody, TAKE COVER!"

The once calm and quiet waiting room turned into a bustle of shouts and yells as everybody started running around trying to find a place to shield themselves from vomit. Women were tripping in their high heels and little kids started crying. An older lady flipped a table over to its side and gathered her grandchildren and herself behind it. People jumped over the receptionist's office counters and took cover. My family just stood there in shock, bewilderment, and amusement.

After everyone had taken cover, the office fell silent once again, except for their breaths. I could almost feel their terror and repulsive emotions. God, I must be Jasper. I looked over at him and saw that he was close to breaking down due to all of the wild emotions that had just occurred.

Everybody sat there in silence, waiting for me to throw up all of the food I had supposedly ate. After a few minutes of stunned silence, everyone started to calm down. It was then that I raced into Dr. Mayo's office and took the three candles that he had lit for the office.

"THERAPY SUCKS!" I cried as I held the candles above my head.

"I second that!" Emmett said, standing up proudly. Alice started shaking her head urgently at me, urging me not to do what she foresaw. The rest of my family stared up at me in shock.

"This has been the most tortuous week of my life," I cried to everyone in the room. "Therapy hasn't made it any better. In fact, it's made it worse. I lost my Instagram account, I was thrown in jail, an embarrassing video of me was released, and I was accused falsely of mental conditions. So, in that case, I urge you all to stand with me and chant! DOWN WITH THE THERAPY!" I was literally screaming now as I chanted. "DOWN WITH THERAPY! DOWN WITH IT! DOWN, DOWN, DOWN!"

Emmett soon joined me in my chant and a few kids stood up and started saying it with me.

"DOWN WITH THERAPY! DOWN WITH THERAPY!"

Jasper and Alice both stood up and repeated it with us, and a saw a few parents even stand up! Bella and Edward eventually shook their heads and started saying it softly as well, although they didn't stand up. Esme and Carlisle remained glued to their seats; absolutely mortified.

"DOWN WITH THERAPY! DOWN WITH THERAPY! DOWN, DOWN, DOWN!"

I noticed some receptionists and office workers started saying it as well. More patients joined in, even the old lady and her grand children. It was amazing. Soon everyone in the entire room, save Carlisle and Esme, were chanting,

"DOWN WITH THERAPY! DOWN WITH THERAPY! DOWN, DOWN, DOWN!"

I thrust the candles even farther into the air and led everyone in a group to the front doors.

"DOWN WITH THIS MADNESS!" I cried, and with that, I threw the candles into the mental therapy building. People yelled and ran out the doors to get away from the fire. We all ran out of the building to the parking lot and stood, watching together, as it went up in flames.

**That was probably the most insane chapter of ANYTHING I have every written in my entire life! And its far from over! Let me know what you think!**


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